Writer/illustrator/mad genius Paul Hornschemeier came up with this cool idea where I hang out with one of his cartoon characters. He wrote a whole thing for it. Here’s a bit of the animation production test stuff we shot. It looks pretty amazing and it is very surreal seeing myself next to one of his characters. We shot it a while ago, and I’d love to see the whole thing be completed, but I’m afraid I’m too bald to play myself anymore.
Some of my favorite joke writers submit jokes for The Late Live Show monologue, which means often times, my shitty jokes do not make it into the show. Tonight we complete our first 6 show run in Los Angeles, and I have a handful of these disposable and dumb jokes. So why not just leave them in a pile right here on my website. They were rejected for obvious reasons (not funny, too mean, too gross, no one understands them). Please read them with that in mind. And if you’re in LA, you can buy tickets for the last one here.
The heartwarming story of Batkid, a boy in San Francisco whose Make-A-Wish Foundation request was to convert the city into the fictional Gotham, ended up costing San Francisco $105,000. Which just so happens to be the exact amount it would have taken to cure his cancer. So, sweet wish, dip shit.
Heidi Montag has had breast reduction surgery removing her F cup implants. If you don’t recall who Heidi Montag is, she’s that person who is now less famous than some breast implants in a hospital trash can.
An overweight man was left stranded in London for days because train and airline companies refused to seat him due to his weight. The man says this is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to him since five seconds ago when he ate a reporter’s microphone thinking it was “a black ice cream cone.”
Scientists warn that if global temperatures continue to climb, we could see a rise of snakes potentially the size of a bus. While this is truly disturbing news for us humans, it comes as a comfort to buses trying to bang snakes.
This week, an adorable video went viral of a young boy dressed in his tiger Halloween costume playing with an actual tiger. The dad filming the romp said he’s also planning a follow up video, “Son’s Funeral”
Kraft macaroni & cheese is changing it’s recipe by removing yellow dye. The people happiest about the new switch: white trash Aquamans.
There is a new body wash on the market that smells like bacon which is expected to solve the problem of not being licked by dogs enough.
A man has broken a record by driving from New York City to Redondo Beach, CA in 29 hours. The record in question of course; How many times someone says, “Don’t ever touch a black man’s radio” to himself while slowly losing his mind.
A British actor inadvertently slit his own throat on stage when his prop knife was replaced with a real one. When asked for comment he tried to sarcastically say “Blooper reel!” through his neck hole then died.
In Lake Elsinore, CA a police officer dressed up as a chicken and walked back and forth across the street to entrap drivers that didn’t stop for pedestrians. He then went home and walked back and forth across his bedroom to entrap his wife into fucking a chicken.
A new kind of underwear has been invented that stops your farts from smelling, the bad news is they don’t stop you from giggling and cupping them to your face when you’re at a board meeting.
A new study shows that listening to Simon & Garfunkel can ease chronic pain. A related study is showing that listening to Simon & Garfunkel is also still helping 60 year old pottery teachers get laid.
A new wallet is on the market that is designed to curb your spending by moving away from you when you reach for it, crying out for help when you grab it, and finally, calling your mother if you don’t put it down. Another non-advertised function, is that it will remind you that your mother is dead.
A Texas mother was arrested this week for tearing her son’s scrotum then super gluing it back together. I think I speak for all the guys here tonight when I say, “where was she when I was in middle school?”
Here’s a video I just made. This is a translation of someone’s stand up comedy act.
I made this horrible video.
We are very excited to announce that the guest for our seventh season premiere will be best-selling author Reza Aslan. Reza’s new book is Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, which he attempted to promote during one of the craziest Fox News interviews ever.
The show is at iO West, Saturday October 19 @ 11:30 pm. Get your tickets here now before they sell out!
This is my last show in Chicago for some time. I’ve booked some of my favorites, and there’s going to be a lot of surprise guests. The real address is 3716 W. Fullerton. Someone got a little excited. Bill Werch our amazing poster designer did.
There’s an extremely limited number of Creative Control pint glasses with Bill’s Hank Kingsley design available for free if you get to the show early. Just ask someone at the counter for one.
Also, a lot of people preordered T shirts with that design. They’ve been made and will be at the show for $5. I can’t promise you’ll get one if you didn’t pre order. I had them made for $5 a piece and couldn’t afford to pay for a whole lot of extras.
The whole point of this post is, Bill Werch is really good at what he does, so give him a beer when you see him this Friday and check out his work here.
Hey, here’s an earnest post about positive things:
I’m moving away from Chicago in a few days which, right now, seems like a pretty big deal. Chicago is the city where I learned how to do comedy, and made a lot of friends in the process. I love this city, and wish there was a way I could stay and also do blow in Hollywood with Richard Dreyfuss, but sadly there isn’t.
Out of all the fulfilling projects I’ve done in Chicago, my show Creative Control, has felt the most personal. It’s a monthly showcase of my favorite people in the city whether they do stand up, sketch, music, video, anything. It’s a show I started out of necessity. I remember it felt like fate. I had just done what was essentially an audition set at a club, and felt it went OK, I got laughs where I wanted them, and I talked to the booker post show and was told this wasn’t club material. Not what they were looking for. The punk kid inside was furious, and I remember texting my good friend and fellow comedian, Dan Ronan about it the rest of the night. Just complaining about the system and how I want to do it my way. “I want to be the Fugazi of comedy,” is embarrassingly something I probably said.
Then later that week I read a piece in Time Out Chicago about a local record store I’d never been to called saki, and how they were trying to separate themselves from the pack by having shows and events there regularly. Matt Byrne was heading up this effort, and I recognized his name because he’d written nice things about another show I was doing, The Late Live Show.
I immediately emailed Matt asking to meet up to see if he was interested in working on something, then excitedly quit my lucrative-for-my-standards job (completely unnecessarily) because I wasn’t going to be held back by “the man” (I should also note, that I am a character from Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song). We hit it off and got to work.
Then I self booked a mini tour with two of my best friends, Mike Lebovitz and CJ Toledano called The Manute Bols of Comedy. It made me feel like I could do whatever I wanted to in comedy. I don’t need a club, I don’t need a manager, I don’t need a booker. Maybe those things aren’t true. But I’m still doing comedy, and I haven’t since done a set where they made me censor what I want to say. So, I’m going to keep doing it (for the record, I’m also broke).
But, back to Creative Control. I got the name for obvious reasons, plus one of my favorite bands, Hot Snakes, have a song called “Kreative Kontrol” some of the lyrics include, “I’d drink piss for Creative Control/I’d cut off my dick for Creative Control.” A bit immature, but that’s kind of my style, but damn, it seems important. It dawned on me that it’s not just important, it’s all you have. I don’t think there’s anything else that will make you happy other than your creative voice in it’s purest form (Although a Toshiba Satellite P-50 Laptop would help*).
Anyway, I’m not sure who will read this. Probably just a handful of friends. I hope it’s a good guidepost to like minded younger comics, and I hope more experienced comics don’t look at it an laugh at how naive it makes me look. But I’ll probably look back at this after a year in LA from my agent’s penthouse on my brand new Toshiba Excite 10” tablet and laugh and laugh about how fucking lame I was. In which case, I’ll have my assistant delete it.
The point is, I love this city and it’s ability to foster such amazing talent without turning people into shit-heads with dollar signs in their eyes. Comics in Chicago get to stretch out, find their voice and not have to worry about impressing some out of touch coke head that wants to pay them nothing to do a guest spot for Screech (this is an amalgamation of a lot of stories, but you get it). Chicago let’s you be as creative as you are. Just go to a show like Entertaining Julia (who I feel like I ripped off with my show) or The Lincoln Lodge (who I owe a lot for trusting me to be on their cast) or any number of local spots that’s keeping non-mainstream comedy alive. Comedy is the comedian’s, it’s up to interesting people to keep it fresh and relevant. I’m not sure if I’d consider it “art” but it’s close enough for a dummy like me.
Make it happen on your own terms. Unless you suck, then quit.
*This post is sponsored by Toshiba.
This is a clip from a show my friend Chris Stephens came up with called “The Original Dings of Dongedy.” It’s exactly as dumb as you think it is. We “wrote” “bits” for it a couple hours before we had to perform, and this ended up being my favorite one.
This is a poster by Bill Werch. He’s made the last few Creative Control posters, and they’re all great. He’s also in the band Pink Torpedo that’s playing the show. Just thought I’d share all that stuff with you guys. Anyway, bye.
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